Feeling upbeat today, strangely. Maybe because it’s the end of the first work week back from the holidays.
I have the strangest tendency to endlessly long for the weekend to arrive, only to immediately crave the structure of the weekday. The grass always seems greener, even though I know better.
I have some challenges up ahead in the next few weeks. Social interaction. Not challenging at all for functional people, I’m aware. A housewarming party on Saturday. My husband’s birthday on Sunday. So, tomorrow is my one day to be non-productive and lurk in my office. Or I could be productive? …Naah. Just the thought of not having one wasted day a week inflames my butthurt “it’s not fair” train of thought.
It comes down to I am resistant to having to do, well, anything. I have an addictive personality, and I am addicted to doing nothing. I need rewards to do just the tiniest things, and I don’t view doing these things as a reward in itself. I am sure this either aggravated or caused by the depression I am floundering further into day by day. Being aware of a problem you have isn’t the same as it going away, and if it was, I’d be a living Buddha.
I’m slowly coming to accept the fact I need outside help to fix myself. What I’ve been doing for the last ten years isn’t working. Constantly failing to make permanent positive changes is driving the wedge between my husband and I deeper and deeper by the day, and making me lose hope that anything can change.
So. Let’s pep it up here. Things I gotta do on Friday, fack yeah!
1. Go to the bank. (Mandatory. I have two months of checks I need to deposit, since my bank account is dangerously close to zero.)
2. Inquire about a replacement seat for my husband’s car. Birthday present. (Mandatory. I need to get this seat either Friday or Saturday, which involves an hour drive up to the next big city over.)
2. Clean up my car. (Semi-mandatory, can be done on Saturday. I am taking hasubandu to a high-end steak house Sunday, and I am going to be driving. This can be done later on Saturday or after lunch on Sunday.)
Well. More to say and more to talk about, but I gotta go be an adult.