I’ve had issues with feeling like I didn’t belong for most of my life. As a woman, I felt a disconnect between the things I was supposed to like and the things that I did like.
I was a tomboy growing up. I played rough and tumble games, and felt no particular preference for either boy or girl’s toys. I never wanted to be a princess, I never wanted pink clothes. Hell, clothes are something I still feel no real interest in.
As the years went by, this difference really began to show. My stepmother thought I was gay because I liked books more than flirting and wearing makeup. I was one of two girls in the IT career class at my vocational high school. I majored in Computer Science in university. I am a career programmer currently. And still I feel like I don’t fit.
Therefore, I feel both comfort and panic when I find out about things like the digit ratio. Essentially, the length of the ring finger versus the length of the index finger is a well-accepted measure on how much testosterone a developing child is exposed to in the womb. Men typically have longer ring fingers and shorter index fingers, and women have either equal length ring and index fingers, or slightly shorter ring fingers.
My ring finger is a good half-inch longer than my index finger. According to this ratio, I almost certainly received a big dose of testosterone in the womb. There’s a reason I was a wild tomboy. There’s a reason why I’ve always been predisposed to traditionally male interests.
So, it’s comforting because there is a biological reason for me to not feel that drawn to feminine interests. On the other hand, it makes me panic that I will never be the feminine woman my husband wants.
What’s really troubling is the attitude my husband and close friends have about these types of revelations. If my husband were to bring up the digit ratio, the friends would fall all over themselves to be curious and eventually agree. If I were to bring it up, I would be immediately doubted. And I wouldn’t be allowed to prove what I said.
It frustrates me, that I can’t correct their views. That I can’t tell them,”hormones in the womb can shape your brain into being more masculine or feminine.” That they will always look down on me for not being very feminine, even though my fate was largely written in stone inside my mother.
But there’s a reason I’m different. There’s a clear cut reason why. Even if none of them will accept it.