In the Moment

For the last two days, I’ve been trying something new. Telling myself I’m okay. What I’m doing or not doing is okay. Just plain old acceptance.

I do perceive a notable shift in my background anxiety levels. The impatient side of me is saying,”Well, why isn’t my life changing overnight? Why aren’t I cleaning the house top to bottom, throwing stuff away, reorganizing? Why am I not drawing and writing?”
Because I need time. I need time for these changes to sink in. Baby steps, as I’ve said before. This impatience needs to DIAF.

Something I’ve always wanted to do (a.k.a. thought was cool but had no intention of really doing) is meditation, or practicing mindfullness.

I think my “journey of self-acceptance” would be helped by meditation. I feel like a yuppie hipster new age person writing that sentence. I’ve never felt comfortable completely immersing myself into any of these sort of things, for fear of labels like that, and also an aversion to expending effort on anything that might actually help me. I’ve covered the reasons for this aversion before.
But meditation or mindfulness has real benefits. And if I’m trying to let go of the harmful self-image that I have cultivated, meditation will help. So will this blog.

What are things that I am trying to let go of? The belief that I am profoundly ugly, unacceptable and undesirable because of my innate non-femininity. The belief I have no worth because I do not feel like or look like an acceptable woman. The belief that I need to be one thing or another, man or woman, instead of being what I am: non-binary, someone that floats between. That I have to be masculine to survive in this world, that being masculine means power and control over my life, that being feminine means being weak and dependent. Those ideas are harming me.

I tend to feel overwhelmed when I think about actually carrying out a plan. Even thinking about “needing to meditate” sets off my anxiety. No, brain. I don’t need to meditate right now. I don’t need to meditate later tonight either, or even tomorrow. I can meditate if I want to.

Jeeze. My poo brain gets on my nerves sometimes.

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