I’ve been abruptly switched over to working first shift. This is, perhaps, part of what I need to return myself to functional. As much as I hate to admit it, I shift into non-functional mode when the sun goes down, with the excuse of “it’s late.”
How’s life been otherwise? Uneventful. I’m currently feeling some frustration towards my husband and I’s housemate. He is my husband’s close friend from high school, and suffers from anxiety and bad family upbringing, much like myself. I feel a lot of empathy towards him. I have been nothing but myself towards him, aka mostly chill and reserved, but nice and friendly as well. I have never yelled or been angry towards him. But after years of knowing him he keeps me at arm’s length – we have never become friends despite sharing a lot of similar interests. There is a basic problem here, and it is that he has an ingrained fear of women. They are “other” in his mind, unpredictable creatures he can’t understand. It’s probably why he’s never been in a relationship other than one a woman initiated.
He thinks that nothing I say is straight forward, and that I’m trying to play with him by default. That I have some sort of agenda he has to figure out. His replies are always calculated and assuming I am trying to mess with him. He also walks on eggshells around me for no real reason. And that has finally gotten to me. It is the last thing that I am – playing games with people and flying into rages. It’s quite insulting. And I’m tired of it.
He also only sees the worst of me. He sees me sitting around in my office doing nothing, the house messy, and assumes that is me. That I am some one dimensional slovenly rage creature. He knows that I have issues similar to his, and yet because I’m not really a person to him it doesn’t sink in that these problems are a visible symptom of the same thing he struggles with. It’s really driving home to me that no matter how friendly and nice you are, sometimes what you are can never be overcome, to someone else.
So I’m not really going to make an effort when it comes to him, anymore. I won’t try to be overtly friendly, or try to engage him in conversation. It’s starting to become old, when I don’t get any positive results from it. If he just wants to be someone who lives in a room in our house, only friends with my husband, so be it.