Not So Hot

I am feeling at my absolute limit lately. Like one more request from my husband for some sort of display of emotion and I will snap. Just absolutely snap.

I am absolutely sapped. It wasn’t helped by a conversation on Saturday when one of our friends was over, hanging out with the two of us, and as we chatted it became focused on me and my self esteem issues. They can not understand that someone can be objectively ugly. They are blinded by their closeness to me. I mean, they’re my husband and close friend. They’re not going to see me as ugly. I don’t understand they can tell me I should ignore what is plainly visible with eyes, mirrors, photographs, and the way most people treat me. They command me to assume a delusion that I am pretty. I am not pretty. I will never be pretty. I will never snap selfies and post about how hot I feel. It is disgusting, it is gross.

I hate it. I hate all of it. I hate everything.

And what’s worse is they were throwing around terms like “body dismorphia.” Fuck you. At first they were fine with me wanting to fix all the loose skin on my stomach from my weight loss. Then as we talked more, they started questioning me on what else I wanted to “fix.” Fuck you. Fuck you both.

I’m in more of a place of reality about the way I look then they are. I mean, for fack sake, my husband has a fetish for fat women. He already has a skewed version of what attractive is. And my friend subscribes to “body acceptance” tumblr bullsh1t. I don’t respect their opinions.

I am not slight and willowy. I never will be, you can’t change your skeleton. My shoulders are wide, my ankles and wrists are wide, my hands are large and masculine – this is born out by fucking evidence. I have measured my wrists and and compared them to the frame size charts out there. I am so fucking sick of it. Just leave me alone. Leave me alone to be ugly by myself. That’s all I want. I want to shave my hair off. So I won’t have to pretend I’m some sort of human animal whose only value and interest is my appearance. Because that’s what women are in this facked world.


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