I’ve realized lately I’ve been giving too much credit to people in my life.
I assume that anyone I become friends with will understand me. That isn’t the case. Most people assume compliance with social norms when they interact with you. For someone like myself, it is a constant comedy-tragedy of people struggling with just how unusual I am in my thinking. When it comes to comprehending my motivations, most people assume more feminine feels-over-reals-type thinking because I am female.
This is a real sticking point with me and other people. I value science highly. I know that life would be vastly improved for all people if we made important decisions based on science-based information. I apply the information I discover to my own life when I can. It is why I chose the ketogenic diet to lose 100 pounds in ten months. According to the newer data out there, and not the out-dated anti-dietary-fat nutritional science from the 70s that so many people still fixate on, low carbohydrate diets are more beneficial and in-line with our body’s metabolism. Yet if I try to explain this to anyone, the sheer mind-boggling “that’s not what my mom/the news/my teacher told me” attitude just dismays me.
This is what people don’t get about me. That I base many decisions and some of my perceptions of myself on scientific data.
The two close friends I have mentioned are thoroughly normal people. They are comfortable in their skins. They are at peace with the gender they have been given, they easily traverse the grooved and well-worn track. That is fine. They are like many, many other people and while I have inner conflict on whether that’s good or bad, they are excellent people.
But I’ve been shooting myself in the foot for many years now, thinking that they can understand how I came to a certain perception or belief, or why I did something a certain way. They really do not. Over and over, I have had incredulity and disbelief when I attempted to explain something interesting and new to them. Mainly because I did not want to lose hope in their ability to understand. But I know that their primary decision making process relies on emotion, so they can’t comprehend why I am interested and excited about the studies I discover that apply to me and others. If I sigh and say the exact same thing again, but from a feeling-type angle, then they can process it. They simply do not get it.
I certainly cannot explain to them about hormone exposure in the womb. About how testosterone can shape the brain to be wired more masculine. And that the easiest way to tell this is the ratio of the ring finger to the index finger. And that my own ratio points towards heavy exposure.
The only thing I can say to them is,”I don’t feel like a woman inside. But I don’t feel like a man either. I am in between. I am non-binary.”
That would work. Probably.
I feel very isolated at times. These two friends are warm and accommodating people, and I have ignored their inability to understand me for many years because of it. But I am coming to understand that they cannot essentially grok me. And that’s it okay, I can still be close to them. I just have to accept their limitations.
It’s just kind of disappointing.