Carol is my Spirit Animal

I am a fan of the Walking Dead. The show has had its highs and lows. S1, great. S2, crap. S3 to S5 steadily ascended in quality, and I am very happy with S5 so far.

As most people who’ve watched the show and read the comics, I’d have to say this – the best characters of the show are ones that either never happened in the comic (Darryl) and the ones who were never fully developed (Carol). I am, of course, pleased with Rick and Michonne’s portrayal. I am looking forward to the Ricktatorship in Alexandria.

The wonderful cinematography of the 5th season is a plus, but character development is my main drug when it comes to stories.

This is why I simply adore Carol. Carol is the most satisfying character in the Walking Dead to me, and who I aspire to be. Minus the whole killing people stuff. She has been reborn from fire and ruination, her victimhood boiled away, to reveal a hard and ruthless warrior. And one who can still play the meek and mild housewife when she seeks to fly under the radar. She is as deadly as any of the younger, fitter persons in the group. She is exponentially more deadly now living as a wolf in sheep’s clothing in a town of Eugenes.

She does what I can’t seem to do. I don’t like the reality of being a woman, in that I must be gentle and mild and dependent. My only female role models have taught me there is no positive outcome in being this way. Their example has made me desire to be the complete opposite. It burns and chafes at me, that I must just fall in line and be yet another weakling to be trod upon. That I must be soft and desirable when all I want is to be strong and confident. I wish that I could maintain a facade as admirable as Carol does.

Because the pitfall of being outwardly strong and confident is that others in your life sense that they do not have to be strong and confident themselves.
This is what is happening to me right now. Frustration and anger are at a low, simmering boil within when I think that though I have no one I can rely on, others feel free to latch on to me. Emotionally fulfill me, I can’t fulfill myself. Financially provide for me, since you have money. It is a slow drain, but it is accumulating. I can only realistically provide for myself.

I didn’t agree to be the strong one for others. I became strong for myself, not for anyone else. I don’t want adult dependents, I want adult equals. Maybe it doesn’t fit the feminine model, but when did I ever give a shit about that. I am patient and nurturing towards children, not children in adult’s bodies.

I wish people would just grow up. Take care of yourselves, be adults, so others don’t have to do it for you.

Not likely to happen.

Everyone wants someone to come in and fix their life for them. The eventuality of that actually happening is as high as Carol, a fictional character, passing the Fourth Wall to come and mentor me.

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