I desperately want to go home and cry into my cat.
How sad and pathetic is that?
But in the spirit of transparency, that’s how I feel right now. Call me a crazy cat lady, I think the moniker suits me more than I like.
But I’m at work right now. I have to function. I have to do work. But I can’t, at the same time. Functioning requires the ability to function. I feel so desperately alone right now. It helps that I’ve called into the therapy place and I’ll be going in to their intake center sometime this week. But I wish I could go now. I can’t stand this any longer.
I want to leave work so bad right now. But there are things to do. And people to see. I don’t understand myself; I just got a raise and a promotion today. I guess it goes to show that money doesn’t solve your problems. I feel almost nothing about the fact I get a few hundred more a paycheck right now. What I want is to not feel sick, sick to death of myself and just existing. Sick of failing, at everything. Sick of my own existence.
I don’t know what to do. I know I need to physically relocate myself to the computer where I do my work. But I can’t make myself get up. I am sitting here typing, hoping that I will feel better by venting here. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. I feel like I am reaching rock bottom. I am constantly terrified of being fired, and I’m making that fear come true a little more each day when I cannot make myself do work, or dress up, or be lively and social. All I can do is be painfully awkward and waste time on the internet, escapism at its best.
I just wish I had someone to talk to. My husband is not that person. He doesn’t understand my issues. He doesn’t understand the constant feeling of being depleted, of being on the bare edge of just falling down. Falling off that cliff into total breakdown. I am diminishing. What light is here is flickering out. Please, someone just tell me that I am alright. That everything will be okay, and there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.
Let’s try some affirmations.
I am alright. I am okay. This moment will pass, as all such moments will pass. There is nothing inherently bad about me. My past is unfortunate, and I should have had people in my life who taught me I was valuable as I was. I should have people that find me valuable no matter how I look or act. I do have support. I do have a safety net. As much as I frustrate my husband, he does love me, and if I were to actually reach out to him for comfort he would respond. Everything will be alright. I am not alone. I am another human on this rock, surrounded by 7 billion other ones, and most of them probably feel alone as well. I can fail. Failure is part of the cycle that can lead to success. Everything that I feel that is wrong with me can be corrected. I can ask for help. I can be helped. Not everyone is awful and unsympathetic. There are people out there who do care. I just have to find them.
It’s going to be okay. Breathe in, breathe out.
I do feel slightly better. Let’s see if I can get myself over to that other computer.