Been a while since I wrote here. Lots to write about. Lots to vent. I don’t think this post will be very coherent, just a stream of consciousness about all the things that have been building up over the last month or so.
I’ve been mourning my friendship with the couple I’ve spoken of before. I still see them, because they are close to my husband, but I am reserved around them. I no longer constantly seek approval from them, because I know now I will never get it.
It’s that way with everyone. I will never be approved of, I will never fit. The desire to simply banish people from my life hasn’t lessened, but grown stronger.
Part of it is feeling like, that at nearly 30 years of age I don’t know who I am. Maybe that can be attributed to the fact of my childhood abuse and years of poverty and eating to manage my feelings. If I am constantly around people who are referencing and reinforcing the person I don’t want to be anymore, I will never be freed of it. I will never find out what I am capable of. If I had the strength, I could stay around these people and resist their attempts to tell me who and what they think I am. But I don’t have that strength, I don’t know if I ever will. All they do is impress upon me that I should do what they expect.
I have always felt dissatisfied with the narrative I’ve been presented in life. It goes as follows: You are a woman. You are vulnerable. You are decorative. You are here to produce children and be a good wife. Your primary interests must be other people and relationships, and maintaining your appearance.
It just seems.. So boring. So boring. I don’t even have words for how boring it seems to be a proper woman. I know the knee-jerk reaction most people would have to this is that there’s no “proper” way to be a woman. And they’re exactly right! There is no proper way, objectively, to be a woman. All you have to do is have the right parts, or know strongly in your mind that you are a woman. But there’s a disconnect here. The knee-jerk reaction is a “well, the world *should* be this way” reaction. It’s not the reality of most people. It’s not what’s projected by religion and society in general. People who would say “women can be anything they want” would never notice that they judge women for how they look or how they act, or if they have non-womanly hobbies. Women are constantly judged on these things, and any denial is just.. ludicrous.
The cult of femininity is just as bad as the cult of masculinity. I want to be free of all of it.
I have now seen my therapist twice. The first time, I was foolish enough to bring up the maladaptive daydreaming that I do. She was intrigued but put off by it. That should have waited until much later on. I have run the gamut from thinking it entirely harmful that I retreat into the stories I write in my head, to thinking that it is overall very helpful for me in dealing with strong negative emotions. Now I feel both is true.
My second session I discussed the first part of my upbringing. It went very well, in my opinion. I probably did overwhelm her a bit, just by the sheer amount of talking I did. I can now see her week to week, which makes me happier. Though the fact I have to pay someone to care about my troubles is also disheartening. It’s still better than having no one.