I’ve felt very out of control lately. Rather, like I will lose control soon.
Nothing is helping. Not sitting in my office completely switched off inside, not smoking, not eating, nothing. I have no interactions that aren’t painful. I can barely hold eye contact with people at work.
I desperately need some time off. I don’t think that I can take leave from work. I doubt they will be understanding if I say,”I’m about to go insane. Can I please have a few days off?”
My husband is dealing with a friend who is going on his downward spiral a bit more visibly than I am. This friend is about to be kicked out of another friend’s house, where he rented a room. He has begun to steadily alienate my husband, his closest friend, and many of our shared friends. He is in a bad way, and my husband is feeling forced to intervene. So he’s busy dealing with this friend. I feel like it’s a bad time to tell him,”Honey, I might not be able to work soon because I am losing my mind.”
I desperately want to up and leave work. Every fiber of my being says, get up and leave. Go home. Hide in bed for a little while. I have no one to talk to.
I feel like some alien creature, completely unrelatable to anyone else. Why couldn’t I just be like every woman out there? Why can’t I be happy in my place. Why can’t I be content with being steered in directions I don’t want to go. All I want is control over my life. All I want are parents. All I want is a family. Unconditional love. There is none. There is nothing. There is no safety net. If I fall down, no one will help me.
I can’t stand this place. I can’t stand myself. I want to go home.