I have plans for the new year. Resolutions, what have you. I have a bad tendency to plan great things and not follow up on them. Or, I advertise them to people, and feel that oh-so-good rush of “I planned to do this, therefore I did it” satisfaction my brain tricks me with.
I’m not telling anyone my plans this time. Well, maybe I’ll telling them to the empty echo chamber of the internet.
I’m going to stop smoking. It’ll be hard. It makes me feel in control of my social isolation, instead of being victimized by other people. It’s a nice break to the monotony of my existence. I have become friendly with people at my work by smoking. Well, become friendly with the other smokers at my work. They are all in jobs considered lesser by classist people. Facilities maintenance and what have you. They are kinder, better people then the PhDs sitting across from me on my secure floor.
But I will quit. Because my youngest aunt died from massive heart failure recently and she smoked like a factory. Because as much as I want to die, I don’t really want to die. I felt pretty awful physically the last few days, and it scared me. Good hearts don’t run in the family. No one runs in my family.
I will start working out again. Not advertising it to others. Doing it when others are not around. Not talking about it, just doing it. Because I never wanted to be a bloated, dumpy hambeast that others view derisively and dismissively. I have always wanted a lean, powerful body – as powerful as a female body can be, I suppose. I have a good frame for powerlifting. Wide shoulders and hips, large feet, large hands, thick wrists, thick legs with giant calves. I do not want to be a bodybuilder, with large exaggerated muscle growth on my body. I simply want to have confidence. I want to be able to do things like wear nicer clothes again. To not be some sodden lump.
I will work on writing more. Not angsty rants as on here. I covered that topic extensively in my last post, however, so I will not discuss it further.
And most importantly, self-approval and self-acceptance. I must wean myself from the need for approval from others. Strange that I have it, considering how anti-social I seem to be. I won’t ever get the approval I crave, from my father, from my mother, from the people I thought were close friends. That still hurts. Maybe it always will, but I need to work harder on letting it go. It’s hard to say if it will work, I am so used to being in pain that I don’t know if I can feel anything else. But I must believe that I can.
Self acceptance. Acknowledging I will never be a “real” woman and that I am gender non-conforming at best. I will never be a frilly delicate social butterfly girl. Accepting my masculine side and accepting the fact that others won’t. Forging a real connection between the logic I have known (that I am just another human and I am fine) for years with my heart, which has believed otherwise. Divorcing myself from the notion that my value has anything to do with what my stepmother ground into me through years of sustained emotional and physical abuse. I must believe it. I must breathe it. I must find the middle ground where I can live. I can’t continue to poorly pretend to be feminine when I’m not. Honestly, people don’t like me even when I pretend. What do I have to lose by just doing what I want?
This last goal, the most important one, is backed up and reinforced by the three previous ones. In fact, it may come as a result of the first three. I can hope.
2017, let’s work together. Just you and me.