Woah. WOAH! Autonomy!

So I read an amazing post on reddit that put into everything I have been feeling most of my life into context, upon processing. I have, unconsciously my whole life, resisted any attempts to have my autonomy taken from me. Much of the conflict in my life has been because of it.

An epiphany. I feel that others own my autonomy, sexual or otherwise. My whole life, I have been resisting the pulls of others to take ownership of it. Holy shit. This is my problem put into words.

Beauty culture takes away my ability to have no interest in makeup or fashion. Wait. I feel that I have a tiny interest in makeup or fashion. But not much. I think that my strong pull towards masculinity results in the observation that men largely OWN their autonomy, and they own the autonomy of their wives. The church co-opted the supply of women, men participate in and donate to church in order to gain access to the best females, who are brainwashed and handed out by the church to the men, depending on how loyal to the church the men are.

Birth control, internet, masturbation, “outside influences”, education, women’s liberation, all of these things are BANNED or at least discouraged by the church to keep their pimping business IN business. Anything that might weaken the church’s hold on someone. THEY have be the only access path to sex or sexual feelings. Not because ANY of these activities are inherently bad! Men are all competing through the church to get the best females. It’s all to control access to females.

“The most logical act of self-preservation for a woman is to shut down sexually.”
My dead bedroom explained. As a wife, I feel my autonomy is lost, controlled by my husband, even though it isn’t! We’re fucking atheists, but I fear quite a lot he has retained unconscious expectations of that kind of relationship to some degree, mainly because his parents had that kind of relationship.
But largely, he isn’t trying to control me. He just wants me to be free, in life and in bed. And he doesn’t get why I perceive I can’t just be free, the way he is. Holy shite.
Technology and education has handed women the keys to their own autonomy. And those that take the keys feel pressure to surrender it back in all other areas. In order to say, “still accept me, I might be working, I might be educated, but I’m still following the rules otherwise.” Or we get people like me, who’re like,”Nah, I’m just gonna do what I want in every other area too” and feel the chill from people I could have otherwise connected to.
I’m having a Bill and Ted moment here.
My stepmother was both verbally and non-verbally trying to scold me. “Don’t you know you have to do these things? Why aren’t you doing them? Other people say you have to do them.” She really bought into beauty culture. Holy shite.
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