So I read an amazing post on reddit that put into everything I have been feeling most of my life into context, upon processing. I have, unconsciously my whole life, resisted any attempts to have my autonomy taken from me. Much of the conflict in my life has been because of it.
Beauty culture takes away my ability to have no interest in makeup or fashion. Wait. I feel that I have a tiny interest in makeup or fashion. But not much. I think that my strong pull towards masculinity results in the observation that men largely OWN their autonomy, and they own the autonomy of their wives. The church co-opted the supply of women, men participate in and donate to church in order to gain access to the best females, who are brainwashed and handed out by the church to the men, depending on how loyal to the church the men are.
“The most logical act of self-preservation for a woman is to shut down sexually.”
My dead bedroom explained. As a wife, I feel my autonomy is lost, controlled by my husband, even though it isn’t! We’re fucking atheists, but I fear quite a lot he has retained unconscious expectations of that kind of relationship to some degree, mainly because his parents had that kind of relationship.
But largely, he isn’t trying to control me. He just wants me to be free, in life and in bed. And he doesn’t get why I perceive I can’t just be free, the way he is. Holy shite.
I’m having a Bill and Ted moment here.