Just a Nice Little Woman

So exciting.

Chantix and modafinil definitely don’t interact well. It makes me twitchy and on edge, and prone to lashing out when frustrated. I kinda like it, it’s refreshing to just be actually visibly angry, not subdued and quiet like I normally am.

My husband and I’s housemate has the unerring ability to detect when I’m doing laundry and try to do his own. Tonight, I thought, I’ll do laundry. I shit you not ten minutes before my wash load comes out, he comes down with a full basket of clothes and asks when it’ll be done. This wouldn’t be a problem except I had another load to do afterwards.

Uncharacteristically, since I am apologetic and doormat-ish to the extreme in my day-to-day life in order to compensate for my appearance, I told him no, I was washing all of my work clothes, and that he’d have to wait until I was done. So I put my clothes in the dryer and I ran upstairs to get my next load, and downstairs I go, only to find him putting his clothes in the washer.

I toss my clothes down on the basket outside the laundry room, turn around, and just leave. Then he apologizes later on, and I say I don’t care, it’s fine. Obviously with an edge to my voice. I continue down the hallway to my office and I hear him say “Well, okay.” in the kitchen where he was standing.

Y’know, I don’t care anymore. He thought I was mean and bitchy when I bent over backwards, was kind, taught him to drive stick, listened to his problems, offered advice, and struggled with my own mental health problems. Which Mr. Self-Involved has never acknowledged or sympathized with, even when I’ve talked about it. I forget he has the monopoly on negative emotions in the household. I’m supposed to be nice and happy and warm, and nothing else. I’m not allowed to have emotions otherwise.

Well, nice and accommodating Queen Legbeard is over. Guess how mean and bitchy I’m going to be when I’m actually trying to be mean and bitchy. Not going to spare pwecious wittle D’s feefees. Fuck him, fuck The Couple, fuck all of my husband’s friends. Friendship is a two way street, unless you’re a fucking pushover like me, who doesn’t realize for years it’s just been a one way street. Not anymore.

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