Better Days

I wiped about half of my Facebook friend’s list on Monday. That leaves me with about, oh, 20 friends there. Already, I feel some sort of peace and relief.

I’ve had the realization that I need a space to be myself. Not some socially prim and proper Real Woman, but the silly and weird person I truly am. I limited my friend’s list to those who’ve known me a long time, and who know what that stupid, dopey lightheartedness comes from, and don’t judge me for it. Well, at least I hope they don’t judge me for it. Being silly is my means of dealing with the emotional and physical abuse I endured as a child, and the poverty that stretched from childhood to my late twenties. The second I feel any pressure to conform, to be a Real Woman(tm) who is solely geared toward social propriety or social competitiveness I go to dark, dark places inside.

When I said fuck The Couple, the two friends that I used to feel very close to, I meant it. The female half’s ideas of who and what I should be, and realizing that she did negatively judge me when I thought we were close, crippled me for a long time. I still am crippled. But maybe I can head out of that. Maybe I can go back to being that carefree, lighthearted person again. When you’ve been harmed, being that way is a state of mind to practice, to just disregard the damage and just be free for a while.

I am kind. And I am silly. And I am accepting of others. In a way that socially “normal” (normies) people have never been to me. I only want the damaged, the marginalized, the alone, the suffering ones in my life. I relate to them. No more trying to befriend normies or anyone aspiring to be one. (As for the latter, I’m looking at you, roommate D.) It will always be an uphill battle to gain the acceptance of normies. The Couple taught me a valuable lesson, never attempt connection to normies.

I know there’s a lot of derision toward anyone who would use the phrase “normie” or “normies” seriously but it’s simply convenient. For me, it just describes socially normal and competitive people, who do not usually practice kindness or empathy towards people who aren’t like them. The marginalizers. My mistake was trying to extend kindness and empathy to normies and normie-aspirees. To some degree, maybe I still will. But I won’t expect anything but judgement from them now. Not closeness, not warmth, not anything more than mere acquaintance level relationships. They simply can’t handle a relationship not based on sex or sex appeal.

 

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