I realize now I set myself up by befriending happy people.
I wanted to feel that way. I wanted to be light and carefree. And when they were around, I did feel that way.
Only now I realize. They were my shiny happy people. Not friends to be around when I wasn’t shiny and happy. Almost fair weather friends, but not quite.
In the short term, their friendship was great. In the long term, I couldn’t match them.
The lesson learned here is, don’t rely on other people in order to feel shiny and happy. Even if you desperately need it, even if you can’t feel it on your own. The feelings I had around them? I mistook them for warmth and connection. It was only surface on their end.I wish I could say I could move on. Part of me will always yearn for the years I spent pretending to be shiny and happy with them. Those years, there was nothing I wouldn’t do for them. I finally realized that it wasn’t mutual.
I’ll have to be extra careful in the future, because people like me can be taken advantage of.