Trust (and lack of it)

I don’t trust people.

It’s gotten worse over the last few years.

Last night dealt a serious blow to my trust in my husband, what little there was.. When I say trust, I mean the trust I have that someone else isn’t looking to hurt or mock me, and invade my privacy.

He knows what my stepmother did. He knows I won’t share things with him. My writing, what little art I still make, I do not show him.

But by now he must be intensely curious. Sweety, you don’t want to read the mentally ill garbage that I write. You don’t want to see my horrible amateur drawings. But he is still curious.

I started a new reddit account a few months ago. It’s hard for me to abandon accounts. My first account was over seven years old when I abandoned it. It’s been compromised, both The Couple and my husband knew of it.

I decided to start over, finally. I found a new name I really liked. And I posted every awesome and terrible thing I wanted on that account. Venting. Sh*tposting. I was kind of settling into it.

Then my f*cking husband spots my username on my monitor, thinks it’s a “cool username” (in his words) and then goes and looks at my f*cking comments.

To his credit he told me he saw my username, looked at my comments, and swore up and down he wouldn’t ever look at the account again.

Well, so long cool username. It was real.

I kind of want to curl up in a ball. I can’t keep that account. I really liked it but it’s been compromised. Nobody that I actually know can see what my actual f*cked up thoughts are. I can’t stand the humiliation. I can’t stand the invasion. The thoughtless and effortless pushing through of all boundaries I set up. Not safe, never safe, can’t trust anyone. Certainly not him.

Thinking of someone connecting this blog to me is almost panic-attack inducing. My eyes are welling up. There is almost nothing I can do to keep people from finding out how nuts I am. There is no means to prevent humiliation. I will just be humiliated and ground into the dirt by others and there is nothing I can do about it.

I’m going to go smoke. There’s nothing else I can do right now to make this feeling go away.


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