Time for another strange stream-of-consciousness rant that leaps from topic to topic, kiddos. Strap yourself in, it’s gonna be a weird ride.
I’ve figured something out about myself over the last few weeks. I don’t like being sexualized by other people. It makes me deeply uncomfortable. It made me uncomfortable when my father and stepmother tried to do it. It bothers me when my husband does it. It makes me sad when I can’t have a conversation about books, movies, video games, etc with someone else because they think I’m hitting on them. I can’t stand the lessening of my self. Becoming an object.
My brother-in-law is a very goofy and fun guy, almost annoyingly so at times. I like him as a person better than my sister-in-law, my husband’s sister. He and I connected one time talking about movies. Once it became evident I was enjoying the conversation his wife began shooting me dirty looks like STOP MAKING A MOVE ON MAH MAAAANNN. This is the kind of ridiculous sh1t I am talking about. No, sweety. I am not trying to seduce your manchild. I already have one of my own.
Ugh. I wish aliens would step in and start a spay-neuter-release program on the human race. We’re supposedly higher beings but every decision we seem to make is tainted by hormones, the need for nooky. It ruins everything. The Heaven’s Gate cultists supposedly neutered themselves to be free from “distraction.” Okay, they were nutbags that offed themselves for a galactic taxi ride but maybe they had something there. If you want your life to be about more than the need to reproduce, maybe take care of those hormone generating bits.
For a long time I’ve thought that maybe I’m FTM transgender. Men have the power and control in this life. They do. They really, really do. Women only gain power through men. It’s the way it’s always been, and while hopefully things are starting to change for the better it’s going to be a long, long time before they change enough. I have always craved the kind of strength and power men have. The autonomy they have over their lives. Want to travel the world alone? You can do that. Want to walk by yourself outside at night? Not really scary. Want to be a captain of industry? Yup, just have the right connections and a boatload of money, you’re automatically in. No glass ceilings for p3nis-bearers. Want to not give a shit about your appearance? Practically expected. Doing dirty household chores other than loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash? Oh, that’s women’s work. Want the ability to raise yourself out of poverty? Just work hard. If you’re a woman that wants out of poverty, just marry the first man that looks at you. He may or may not be a good man, and he’ll have the power over you when it comes to money, food, and shelter, etc. So be a good little woman and hope he doesn’t beat you or abuse this power in some other way. It is sad that this is the way out for so many women. I will never follow that path in life. I will never be dependent if I can help it.
I like men. I am attracted to them. I like men so much I want to be one. I spend my life in my head, writing my own male power fantasies. Any physical dysphoria I have is a result of having physical body features incompatible with power and control. But as much as I long to have some sort of life that I control, a life not spent kowtowing to the male gaze, I don’t need to change my body. At least, I am about 80% sure I don’t need to. I still feel like I wish my b*easts weren’t there. I wish my hair was very short. I still feel feelings of optimism and hope when I see how transmen pass so effortlessly after they’ve been on test0sterone for a while. But maybe that will pass with time, or at least with help from gender critical feminism.
Yes, I’ve discovered this is a thing. I found a subreddit (reddit.com/r/gendercritical) that made me think, WOW I’m not alone! I don’t know how much I agree with some of their MTF transgender thoughts, but holy hell was it incredible to finally find people that were saying what I have been thinking for years. Makeup and beauty culture isn’t really empowering. I have been punished by other women for saying this. It is a relief to have a space where people aren’t screaming “EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL” at the top of their lungs.
Ungh. My husband DID finally say yes to me having short hair. Not that I had been pestering him about it. I think he bought in when I told him it meant I would buy more hairpieces, including.. the most important one.. pink hair. Haha, anime. I don’t think I’m going to do it for a while, though. Maybe when it starts getting warm outside. Oh my glob, I can’t wait.