Hiding from Pain

Yet another one of those days.

I hurt my back on Friday, cleaning house. We have carpeted stairs and with our vacuum, it’s a pain to properly clean them. I can’t simply set the vacuum on the step and run it back and forth, because it’s very easy to trigger its upright mode while doing so, which causes the brush to stop spinning. I have to pick up the vacuum in both hands and physically pull it back and forth on each step to prevent that. It’s a lot of bending and lifting and brute force, which led to a sudden painful twinge in my back.

So I did nothing Saturday. Sunday I went out, actually got my hair cut. Too short for my hairpiece, and it’s noticeable. Sigh.

Today I feel all of the pressures at full force. Probably doesn’t help that I didn’t sleep well. Everything I do to just manage to get through the day is damaging my life, my continued employment, my marriage, everything. All I want to do is hide. All I want to do is to not do anything anymore. No responsibilities, just to be. Not possible.

When I’m at work, I want to be at home. When I’m at home, I want to be anywhere but home; I crave the semi-structure of work. Too much to do. Too much to be. I escape to my inner fantasies I call stories, as if I’d ever put them out there for someone else to mock and judge. Only the anonymity of this blog gets me to write. And even then, it changes nothing, it doesn’t make my life different. It just creates a paper trail (digital trail?) of crazy should I slip up and the anonymity of the blog is compromised. Like what happened to my reddit account.

Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. It’s just the same grey slog every day. Not even paying off the house is putting a dent in my anxieties, it’s like it’s not real to me. Everything could still collapse from underneath me. My mother could lose her job or get sick, and since she clings to me for everything, I’d be responsible for her well-being when I can’t guarantee my own. Keep it together since she can’t (won’t) take care of herself.

Want to go home and curl up in bed. Can’t hide from pain. Have to stay.

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