Holding On

I’ve read and re-read the previous post a few times now. I honestly feel it’s one of my better ones. I have been struggling to retain the realizations there. I predicted that would happen, though. It’s easier and safer to return to the pain. It’s what’s familiar to me. Living a life with my head held high isn’t familiar to me. But I want it to become that way.

I’ve got a 15 mile hike to do in July. For hubby and I’s annual vacation. Talk about setting a fire under my a55. Time to dust off the trainers and clear the house of bread, rice, anything carby and delicious. At 10k feet, I’ll be wheezing from lungs tarnished by smoking and wheezing from 60lbs of excess body fat. Not going to be a good time.

I wish I could have a month or two off from work. Time to somehow set up order and structure in my life. Wake up every day at 7. Go for a walk or run. Shower. Eat. Go to work. Come home. Clean. Write. Sleep. That’s the ideal schedule. My current schedule looks more like, wake up at noon if I don’t have a morning meeting. Get to work at 1pm. Come home. Take a go-pill that’ll keep me up till 4am just so I can make myself clean the house. Clean for an hour or so. Fail to be motivated even after taking the pill and just spend the night surfing reddit or facebook. Go to sleep at 3am. Rinse and repeat.

A toxic schedule that doesn’t help me in any way. I need to get my paperwork for the shrink sent out. He’s a real live MD, too, so I can get prescribed something to drag me out of this slump. Hopefully. I am a little more encouraged by the effectiveness of psychiatric medicine after trying chantix. Chantix worked, I just stopped taking it.

Here’s to holding on.


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