Ways to a Legbeard’s Heart

Doing a little better functioning this week, even with the end of daylight savings time. Morning and I will never get along, but I did get up on Monday, shower, and get to work on time. Tuesday I still got to work late, but less late than normal. Today, I pat myself on the shoulder for getting to work at 8:45. Way earlier than normal. I am also sick, so double kudos, me. For the last two-ish days my face has been draining more fluid than I thought possible from the human body. The mountain of tissues on my desk attests to that.

I would love to schlep off home right now, only I called off sick last week. I am so groggy. Everything inside of me is begging for me to become horizontal. Since I can’t leave, here I am on this blog, whining. It passes time. I am doing well right now on my assignments, so a little slacking while feeling like death warmed over is.. reasonable? Kind of reasonable.

Husbando has earned serious husband points this week. He spent Monday and Tuesday evening creating a hole in our hallway wall into my office, then framing it. Cat door! I told him this last weekend that because I could not shut my office door due to said cats, I felt like I had no privacy and that I couldn’t mentally switch off for a little while each night if he or others could simply barge in when desired. The cats adore me, as I am Food Giver, highest among all humans, and they cannot stand to be away from me when I am home. He suggested a cat door or a cat door directly into my office from the wall. Turnaround time was instantaneous. Instead of just talking about it, he motherfacking did it. And he brought sicko-me a pint of B&J’s yesterday after finishing the cat door.

Caring about the cats and bringing me ice cream, both ways to a legbeard’s heart. ❤

I’ve been practicing an anxiety-reduction technique I came up with. When I become aware of the background anxiety within me (pretty much always there) I tell myself,”Stop obsessing over what you’re supposed to be and just be.” And I can feel myself relax for a little while, before it inevitably creeps back in. I suppose being intermittently a nervous wreck is better than constantly being a nervous wreck, at least health-wise. My hands are a testament to my current nervous-wreck condition. They are far more chewed up than normal.

I still don’t know how to rid myself of the unreasonable resentment I feel towards The Couple. Yes, it’s still there. I think about hypothetical situations where they and I are present and I just feel a wall where there should be words. A stiffening up. It’s like, if I think I have to censor myself I completely freeze up. Well, I censor myself to my co-workers and in-laws. I just need to mentally re-categorize them as such. People to just be polite to. I wish I was able to handle casual friendships. All I seem to want are close friendships, I can’t do the “100 acquaintances I keep at arm’s length” thing. I wonder if I am an “emotional vampire” or “perpetual victim.” Maybe both? I don’t want to be. I do feel like I am always making up for some sort of deficit of warmth in my life. I always acted happy go lucky around The Couple, because for once in my life I felt like I could be. But as I have figured out, that’s all I could be around them.

Anyways. I’m going to go be sick somewhere else for a bit. I feel more awake now, that’s a plus!


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