Smokes, Let’s (Not) Go

Trailer Park Boys reference for a title. I’m reaching.

Sooo. Yesterday I started taking Chantix, an expensive stop-smoking medication. I’m ready. I even pondered calling the doctor for another month’s supply to make sure.

It’s time to stop. Stop smelling bad, stop hacking and coughing, stop listening to the wheeze of my lungs as I go to bed each night. No more late night trips to the corner store since I ran out. No more gross car. No more butts on the walkway by the house. The approval of husbando. Regaining the ability to taste and smell. Time to stop. Time to lose this crutch. Not that it’s even a crutch, I think it actually makes my anxiety worse.

People are grossed out by smokers. That was fine with me for a long time. If they don’t like me because I smoke, then it means they don’t dislike me because of my appearance and personality. It makes me in charge of my social isolation, not them. See there the automatic assumption that people will dislike me. It’s safer to assume that, because when it comes to socializing I know I’m operating with substantial handicaps, and I almost never overcome them to gain approval. And, because I’m a legbeard, I almost sort of crave disapproval. More of a “That’s right, I’m a woman and a smoker. It’s okay, I get off on your cognitive dissonance.” Looks like I’m a rebel. See how edgy I am? Such edge. /s

Nicotine is a poison, a natural insecticide. Tobacco is a natural source of MAO inhibitors as well. Meaning, many addicted smokers subconsciously smoke to manage depression and anxiety. Insidious little plant, isn’t it? But that underscores my need for low stress. I’m removing, in essence, a psychological support drug from my life. Interestingly enough, nicotine isn’t the MAO inhibitor. It’s something else in tobacco, which is why I never felt any benefits of vaping. I have a vape. It’s nice, shiny, produces nice clouds of vapor. But something was always missing. MAO inhibitors.

In order to make this change work and stick, I need to have a week or two of low stress. Then, I just never, ever enter a Speedway again. That, or I have husbando come in with me so I am not tempted.

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