Seeking And Never Finding

I have problems with approval seeking. I’ve been working to nip the behavior in the bud the last few years, starting with ceasing contact with the Couple, who were easily THE people I wanted approval from the most.

I’ve been doing better on the realization that no one will ever approve of me.

It’s been alternately freeing and soul wrenching to understand I will never have what I crave the most. The love and approval of others.

But look what I have to be in order for people to approve of me. Here’s where my latent misogyny comes in, I guess. I have to be a woman like my stepmother for people to approve of me. Vapid, shallow, concerned only with looks and manipulating others.

She never approved of me. My father never approved of me. My mother would disapprove if she truly knew how little I care about the things she cares about. In the end, it makes sense. I don’t know how to love others because I was never loved. No one has ever made me their world. Or just even important in their world. I was always overlooked and a burden. Now as an adult I am broken. I can’t relate to normal people.

My husband just disregards anything I say about other women. Just rolls his eyes. That’s fine, that’s his prerogative. He’s never dealt with toxic femininity. I know I’m alone in this. I’m alone in pretty much everything. All I know is I will end if I am forced to be feminine.

I don’t need to spend my time on normal people. Their approval is meaningless as I can never attain it.

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