Sudden Incendiary Rage

It’s amazing how quickly I am triggered by certain things.

My former stepmother is FB friends with my mother. My mother posted a “Share if your daughter is beautiful and smart” meme. And my ex-stepmother posted “OH YES QUEEN LEGBEARD IS SO PRETTY AND SMART, SHE AND [My Sister] ARE THE ONLY GOOD THINGS THAT CAME FROM [My father].”

I’m paraphrasing. She didn’t post in all caps either.

But when I saw it, my vision went red. This woman who spent eight years of my life letting me know how inadequate I was and how unwanted I was, now acting like we were family, now acting like she never treated me this way?

I am still seething thirty minutes later. My heart is still pounding.

This is why I should have blocked her. She tried messaging me two-three years ago on FB acting the same way. Buddy-buddy. I told her in no uncertain terms that I didn’t want her messaging me on Facebook and that she should apologize to me for how she treated me.

Well. I just went back and looked at the messages she sent me that I never read. I wish I hadn’t read them. No, I’m glad. I finally have her perspective. And I was right. I was just an unwanted burden. An “ungrateful brat.” God forbid she had to drive a child to doctor’s appointments or do anything else.

One relevation was that she and my dad had me tested for schizophrenia, or.. maybe not. That sounds like it might have cost them *money*, gasp. Or as she puts it: “ It was recommended that you have extensive testing done because they thought you might be in the early stages of a certain mental condition that runs in your family. Like always your mom and dad didn’t want to ever talk about it.
Well, now I’m 31. I don’t hear voices. I don’t see things that aren’t there. I haven’t harmed myself or anyone else. I may have untreated depression and anxiety but those are not schizophrenia.
Deep breath. Hold. Release.

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