You Have Everything You Want, Now What?

Just a general life update post.

I seem to be keeping my job, despite my constant oversleeping. There’s a meme on Facebook that I’ve seen a few times. “How do I sleep so much? DEPRESSION” with an image of a cool guy looking rad, or something. It’d be funny if it wasn’t so real. The tug of the bed when I wake up in the morning is intense, and I immediately smooth over any concerns that I should get up, go to work. The siren call of going back to sleep is powerful, the feeling of relief when I just turn my face back into the pillow too great.

Feeling overwhelmed by the tiniest sh1t is pretty much every day. Early next month, I finally get in to talk to someone at TCN Behavioral near my house. I get the feeling they’re more for addicts and lower income folks, but they can help. I don’t feel like I deserve the things in life I have right now, I am severely taking them for granted. Part of me just wants to fall down, to return to something familiar, being impoverished and scrambling for money to stay afloat one more month; that is what is familiar. Being constantly employed by the same employer for almost five years, having little to no worries about money, that is strange. That is something I don’t know how to deal with. ::dabs tears with fifty dollar bill::

I doubt anyone reading this feels sorry for me, well, you shouldn’t feel sorry. I worked hard to get where I am and my inner demons are now encouraging me to sh1t all over it. Waste it all. Go back to normal. How did I think I could keep this up, once I got there? I was so dogged in climbing up out of sh1t poverty that I reached the top of the mountain, said “Welp, I made it” and didn’t have any plan or motivations for what followed afterwards.

Being an ugly weirdo who preferred books and computers to people has gotten me to where I am. Being the opposite of what my father and stepmother wanted got me there. I’m proud of that. But maybe I need to start looking beyond succeeding just to spite them, start succeeding in life because it’s what I deserve.

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