Melaiiiiise (Aku.jpg)

I’ve generally been upbeat today. Today’s my five year work anniversary. That’s right, five years at a single employer. My best personal record out of the 20ish jobs I’ve had in life. I also bought a 25lb box of peaches driven up straight from Georgia. Delicious, fresh in-season peaches. And yet, the malaise creeps in. Whooo.

Psych appointment is on June 7th. At this point I will consider pills. If anything to lift me back up and help me make the changes I need to actually alleviate the depression, such as diet and exercise. When you feel perpetually exhausted, it’s a self-sustaining system. Eat bad sh1t because you’re tired. Don’t exercise because you’re tired. Oversleep because you’re tired. And wham, you’re still tired.

The self-esteem issues and the cold, dark reality of the world keep creeping in around the edges of my good mood. I should be energetic and happy in this moment, but instead I feel like lying down with a pillow over my head. I hate it. I don’t want to feel like this forever.

Been feeling more self-conscious about the short hair recently. I went to Chipotle a weekend ago, and about had a panic attack when I saw someone from work in line. They have never seen me without my wig, and thinking they might recognize me turned my anxiety to 11. After walking in, seeing the coworker, walking out, and sitting in my car for a few minutes thinking to wait them out and generally seeming like a weirdo, I just got in line and stood facing away from them (in a natural-looking way) to avoid them seeing my face.

So much energy wasted on this. Short hair, long hair, remember that people won’t approve of the way you look. It’s the nature of being female. We’re perpetually kept off-balance because female appearance is something people feel safe to criticize, through actions or words. You can be dolled up to the nines and someone will find something wrong somewhere. They will always find something to disapprove of, a reason to treat you with disrespect, there is no control. So let it go.

I need to find some FTM/NB friends. I’ve been trying to find the guy I worked with a good 10 years ago, a guy who went by Campbell but preferred Noah. He and I worked together on a temp job every day for about 6-8 months, were friends on Livejournal, and shared a passion for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I should have stayed in touch. The temp job ended and we went our separate ways. As for new friends.. I’m not saying we’ll be insta-bros or that I’ll be weird BECAUSE they’re transmen. But I do think I have better chances of actually *making* friends when I most likely relate to them.

One more thing. I’ve been trying to examine my feelings. It’s sometimes successful. When I want to fall into myself and cut out the world, I’ve had some luck lately in looking at those feelings from the outside, wondering, what is causing this right now? And then acknowledging it. Which helps. It’s gotten me up and active and speaking when I simply want to shut down. Got to keep at it. Lastly…

::Some sort of sentence that effectively wraps up the post and unifies all the different things I talked about::


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