Day 8 taking Wellbutrin. The last two days have been weird. I do well during the day at work. Practically extroverted. But the second I get home, I check out mentally. Last night, I spent all night in bed reading after a productive day at work.
Today I slept in, the first time this week. I woke up naturally at 11:30 for about 8.5 hours of sleep, but chose to lay in bed in the warmth and comfort for another hour or so. I wonder if my mood problems have been exacerbated by lack of sleep. The WB is helping me immediately in some ways, but not helping me in others. Maybe that will be different in a few weeks.
I feel like I am never in the moment. I feel like I am just waiting for time to pass – what I’m waiting for, I don’t know.
The last few days I have been resolving to take a gym bag with me to work. I got as far as putting my athletic shoes on the floor in the bedroom, and I tried on a few pairs of workout pants to see if they still fit. But as for actually packing and taking it with me to work? Not yet. I think the reluctance stems from not wearing my hairpiece at work when I am in the gym. It will out me as wearing a hairpiece, if a coworker sees me in there without it. I am counting on working out when no one else is in there.. But maybe I should think about “coming out” with my short hair.
Today, it’s sunny finally. The storms of the last few days were nice, but I think the dimness affected me. Maybe tonight I will go home, take a VERY small amount of moda, and try to kick some a55.
WB makes it easier to complete tasks. Well, more like this: If I can push myself over the edge to START the task, WB insures that I complete it. It still doesn’t give me the kick of motivation I need to initiate, but the task seems overall less overwhelming.
I think I’m about ready to start being consistent. Or, at least trying. I need to develop a reward system, maybe a daily chart with stickers? I’m secretly a five year old who enjoys putting a smiley face or gold star sticker on something when I accomplish it. I searched in vain for affordable sheets of banana stickers ala Metalocalypse.
The first big thing to tackle: Sleep and showering.
I can get up at 9 or 9:30 for a while, but if I don’t go to bed at a proper time getting up early accomplishes nothing, as I spend the major portion of the day just waking up. I need to consistently go to bed at a regular time. It’s pressing that I do this, because in only a few weeks I will need to be getting up very early (6am or earlier) for vacation. There’s no way our friend who is hosting us on our trip will let my ass sleep in till 10 or 11 or 12 or 1.
The problem being that I facking love being up late. The dark, quiet coolness of the night is amazing. Less chance of being taken out of my head by interruptions. Well, suck it up.
Showering, now, that’s something I feel best doing every other day. As thin as my hair is, washing it every day wouldn’t be good. I make showering an ordeal, as I do everything else. My perfectionist ways make every task seem like an arduous event. I have to do it just right, my brain whispers, or don’t do it at all. So I don’t do it.
I think I can do this, though. I just need stickers. Lots and lots of stickers.