Yesterday, I confirmed with manager that I’ll be taking two weeks of unpaid leave. I think the relief at knowing I’ll have two blissful weeks with halved responsibilities has helped me relax a bit, and be more open.
I’ve been feeling extra lonely lately. Instead of repressing it though, last night I sought out Husband for cuddles. That doesn’t happen too much. Practically glued to him, even tried to fall asleep cuddling. Skin hunger is a thing. There’s been a shift in my thinking lately: Husband, though another person, is not the enemy. Husband has my back. Husband can be my protector, if I need him to be. That’s such a novel concept- someone protecting me. Someone keeping me from harm. I don’t think I’ve ever really had that in life before. I can count on him. That thought immediately draws me toward him, emotionally.
Someone reading this blog, especially earlier entries, could make the misapprehension that I don’t love Husband. That’s not right. The truth is a bit more complex. I think of romantic love as I think of gender: something somewhat artificial, kind of a belief system. You have to actively believe in these concepts, and aspire to them. Most women seem to be seeded with the notion of “true love” and romance early on in life, through media, through socialization. Coming from a broken home and not really relating to other women, that concept never took. My sister, who posts Harley Quinn memes and other dramatic romance memes on Facebook, is in love with the idea of being in love. I can’t say I’m the same.
My Husband isn’t my world. And I’m not his world. We go through life together, but we don’t have illusions about each other. Well, not to the degree that seems appropriate to True Love believers. Our relationship works because we communicate well. Mostly in dead, long-forgotten memes, but that’s just comfortable.
As for platonic loneliness, not much has changed in that aspect. I still find my thoughts vengeful and bitter at times, the flip side of the coin from the childishly optimistic side of me that still thinks Husband’s friends could be close to me. The realization from a few posts ago about my tendency to idealize kind people is still sinking in, but I think I will soon be able to treat my husband’s friends as they are: fair-weather acquaintances. I am learning to accept their limitations. They aren’t friends like the ones in books. I will never be as important to them as they were to me, and that’s just life.
Focusing on myself, on the things that I want to do, that’s what I need to do. Without being cruel to others, I need to develop a belief system with me as the core. Even if you’re not religious, you find something to believe in whether you realize it or not. I must believe in a better version of me, I must have faith despite the damage done to my self-worth.
I can believe in me.