Four Letter Word

Social anxiety colors every thought. Though more lately, anger and suspicion supersede it. Feels better, that way.

I’m supposed to be going to a friend’s this weekend. One from high school. J, I’ve talked about her before. She’s a professional costumer, desperately wants to be a rich kept woman from the Victorian age. To say we have very, very little in common nowadays is an understatement.

The things she says to me.. The way she looks and talks to me. I can tell she has very little respect for me as a person. It’s like I’m her Chris-chan. She’s supposedly on the autistic sprectrum, so I wonder if she isn’t upset I left the box she placed me in. The pathetic, sad, impoverished single Queen Legbeard box. But then I got married before her, and I will never have to worry about money. How dare I leave the box? She can’t adjust to that, she literally can’t.

I suspect her quite a lot. She doesn’t seem to have any qualms about saying borderline nasty things to me all the time. Hell, my long-time friend Q doesn’t seem to mind doing it. Both J and Q will be there this weekend, and I need to be prepared for when they start making comments about me. Maybe I will just leave.

I stupidly outed myself as having gender dysphoria on a private group we’re all a part of. J likes to make a show of support online, then show her real, snarky colors in person. It’s like she doesn’t really think I’m a person. Most people I’ve known seem to have problems with thinking of me as a person with feelings.

So, that stuff is going to come up this weekend. And J is going to talk about it in her fake, syrupy, sarcastic voice. She really can’t tell how transparent she is to me.

If I didn’t cling to the friends of the past, I’d readily dump her as a friend. She looks down on me for not liking PERTY DRESSES OMG DRESSES. When I lost weight back in 2013, she saw me for the first time and said,”Oh QL, you’ve blossomed!” She said it seriously. Like what the fuck, am I a flower? Am I suddenly more feminine now because I’ve lost weight, and you approve? Ugh.

Ya know, despite all that, I’ll go over to her house and assume the best. I’ll give them a chance. But the second they start derisively talking about how “QL wants to be a dude” I’ll get the fudge out of there. I don’t really have a sense of humor about this yet.

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