Desk Warmer

Today, I truly feel my decision to leave my j0b is the right one.

Maybe it’s because I had too little sleep today. Maybe it’s because it’s Monday. Who knows.

It’s hard. Feeling the rightness of it, and knowing I have to stick it out for a few more weeks. My r3signation letter is sitting on my desktop, and the urge to print, sign it, and drop it off is so strong. I haven’t lifted a finger to do any w0rk today. It isn’t right.

I don’t belong here.

I keep thinking back to my five year award. How no one I knew came to it. Not a single person I had worked with. Not a single one.

My five year award was important to me. I’d never held a job more than a year or two before moving on to something bigger and brighter. I felt like I’d set down roots, found a home. Soon enough, I’d see my picture on the 10 year wall, the 15, the 20, and so on.

My hiring manager, who’d been my manager for nearly all of those five years, didn’t show though she said she would. Instead, it was just me and my new manager, who made an awkward and incorrect speech about my time at the company. All of the people at the ceremony were there for the others receiving awards. I felt alone, standing there.

I make the mistake of thinking I matter more to people than I do. Wishful thinking. The delusion I’d held for years that people were different from my father and stepmother, that I could matter to others. But they’re really not. Everyone is caught up in their own mess, and no one has any obligation to reach back to an outstretched hand. Or even notice that a hand is outstretched. I’m not looking for emotional handouts, just.. connection. I was always happy to return what is received.

I have completely disconnected from this place. I come here, sit at my desk for eight hours, and then come home. When I do submit my letter, I will request there will be no goodbye luncheon invite sent out. If my five year award ceremony is any indicator, no one will show up. So I’ll skip the pain of sitting in a restaurant alone, waiting for people to show up.

Another thing works does is put out a picture mat to be signed for the person that is leaving. The mat is placed inside a picture frame around a picture, presumably of the company logo, and after being signed, the framed, matted picture is given as a gift to the departing employee. I’ll make it easy on HR, and request that that not happen either.

It took me nearly six years to figure out I don’t fit, can’t fit, in a standard straight laced office environment. The well of my endurance has nearly run dry. How I can sit here, without packing up the remainders of my stuff and heading out the door, is solely due to what self restraint I have left.

What to do? I can’t submit the letter until April 13th. I have little to no willpower to complete any work, and tomorrow there will be a meeting about what work we’ve accomplished in the last two-three days. I’ve pondered a few things that feel dodgy and not-right. Using up my sick leave. I don’t like that. I don’t know.

I just wanna go.

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