Well, I made it.

I’m 197 pounds. I first noticed I’d crept below 200 on Saturday.

Man, my work’s digital scale is dirty.

Now on to my goal weight: 155.


Return to Keto-La (Diet and life update)

So, as of this morning I’m back down to 204. Finally.

That 5 day stretch of non-keto eating back at the end of January really messed me up.

I didn’t help myself much by returning to old habits after going back to keto post-break. You won’t lose weight, even on keto, if you spend three hours snacking continuously on meat and nuts while your ass is on the couch watching Planet Earth II.

I really felt my motivation slacken to the point of considering, what the hell. Just eat carbs again, you’re not losing anything.

In the last couple of days, the wind returned to the weight loss sails. I’ve been making an effort to try to conquer my end-of-the-night binging tendencies. Last night I almost did it again, but managed to overcome it by talking it out with my husband. I settled on a single sugar-free butterscotch candy and water.

Oh man. Last night I also made the discovery that I need to find some sort of weight loss buddy. My husband is a man of appetite, and he likes women with appetite. He let me talk out my desire to binge, but looked noticeably uncomfortable. I pried a bit, and he told me that he likes it when I talk about wanting to eat food. But I was talking about it in a negative way, and that messed with his head.

It’s not really his fault, he’s just wired that way. Something about how his parents tried restricting his food when he was entering puberty, and wires got crossed in his head. Food is very much related to sexuality for him.

Soo… Talking to him to try to get through an urge to binge isn’t going to be a good long-term strategy. I mean, he’ll listen, it just clashes horribly with his hardwired pro-binging attitude. It causes him cognitive dissonance, but overall he’s a self-aware person, not one of those sociopath feeder creeps that don’t care about women.

As for me, it’s so innocent when I complain about wanting to eat. I’m not wired that way at all, and his proclivities are a bit alien. I have a perfectly healthy/unhealthy shame about overeating. Doesn’t mean the urge goes away. Learning how to distract myself during these crave periods is the best way to deal with it.

A boost to my return to weight loss is that I’ve found a better calorie tracker. I’ve become fed-up (lol) with MyPlate and MyFitnessPal. I’m tired of incorrect product listings that I can’t change, and difficulty in seeing net carbs. So I did some research and found a site/app called Carb Manager which is pretty fantastic, does everything I want. I’ll shill for that site for free because I like it. 😀

Otherwise.. It’s starting to warm up where I live. That means endless rain and grey days, where the ground turns to sodden muddy gunk. There’s a flipping flood watch for my county and many others. So, I’ve been doing a lot of housework, working a campaign to de-clutter my office and free up floor space. I was able to place the gigantic cat litter box under my office desk after I moved what was under there to a space I freed up in my cube organizer. I cleaned up and removed some of what was in the office closet as well. The giant stack of crappy old writings has been halved; I still have more to scan but that stack has been sitting on my desk for more than a year, and I’m feeling good about what I’ve got done. Once everything is scanned I’ll burn my childhood/teen/early adulthood scribblings in a glorious cringey bonfire.

So, mental health is more or less better. I think I’m at the halfway point of accepting that I may always be an outsider to people. There are many many people that will never get me, or relate to me, or think of me as a person with feelings, and though it hurts I’m finding my way. I’m getting better at being unapologetically weird, in my own particular way that harms no one.

Onward to Onederland.

Even Closer (The Closening)

Weighed in yesterday at 204. Four pounds away, fam. Four. Pounds. Four.

Tried on the size 16 pants tucked in the back of the closet. Most of them fit almost perfectly.

Friday night, Hubby’s birthday, a big snow storm hit our area roughly three hours before his party at a local pub. So, instead of going out and me DD’ing, we stayed home and had some of his friends over who live roughly <1 mile away.

Since we were home and not driving, my resolve weakened to not have any alcohol. I thought hey, why not have a rum and Coke Zero?

Four rum and coke zero’s later, I remembered why I don’t really drink much.

After worshiping the porcelain throne, chugging water, and attempting to eat something, I again revisited the holy shrine. I couldn’t keep anything down until right before bed, where I was shotgunning water bottles.

Despite the water Saturday was, for the first part of the day, absolutely miserable. Hubby ended up curing me with a stomach acid reducing pill. And just in time, because the in-laws came down for dinner about two hours later. Hubby wanted to cook for his birthday instead of go out.

Hubby has mastered two keto meals, the super rich and indulgent keto ramen soup and tomatillo salsa on chicken breast served on a bed of cauliflower rice. So, we had both, just in smaller quantities. Dessert was keto cheesecake. He knocked all the dishes out of the park and my stomach didn’t give me any problems.

Keto ramen is essentially a bowl jam-packed with the most savory, delicious things you can imagine. It’s like the holy grail of umami. Bok choy, shiitake mushrooms, fatty pork, soft-boiled egg, and low carb shirataki noodles in a turkey-chicken soup base. Chuck in two strips of nori and bam, you got yourself a pseudo-Japanese dish. On a cold day it warms you to the gills. Soooo goood.

Second course was a veggie-heavy dish. Cut-up tomatillos and some rice vinegar, spread across a sliced, pan-seared chicken breast, on a bed of cauliflower rice that has been lightly tossed in a hot pan with butter, salt, and pepper. He has a side of peppers and artichoke hearts that go with it.

Keto cheesecake. Rich. Delicious. Unngh. I wish there was some left.

And today, since I forgot breakfast, I went to the Middle Eastern buffet for lunch. Tender strips of beef and chicken, some spiced chicken chunks, arabic salad (diced tomatoes, cucumbers, cilantro in some kind of oil) and a small, small cup of baba ganoush.

I have a serious love affair with baba ganoush. Before this buffet, I’d never really had eggplant before. Thought it sounded gross. And I didn’t really like the taste of baba ganoush when I first tried it… And then this switch in my head flipped and I could easily binge on a pail full of it.

Well, um. Now I want to eat again? Why do I do this to myself.

Closer (Keto updates)

The holidays, I took off both Xmas and New Years to eat carbs. It was unsatisfactory. I didn’t get much out of eating carby meals as I did before, even my favorites. There’s that whole addiction thing. The actual pleasure from the meal doesn’t match up with how much I had anticipated.

But, I have lost whatever I put on over those carb days and then some. As of today, I’m at 207- seven pounds away from ONEDERLAND. I can’t wait to be back in the hundreds again. I may start needing to look at size 16 pants. My current pants are starting to be alarmingly loose, though not to the point of falling off. They’re now super great for wearing long johns under. Layers, friendos. Layers get you through winter.

The weight loss rate is slow. Maybe a pound every couple of days. You know what? It’s fine. I’m going to have to start moving my a55 if I want to lose more quickly. Given how cold it is, bundling up under a big down comforter sounds the most appealing form of exercise.

Today’s Husband’s birthday. Guy’s at home, not working, living it up. Everyone at my work is talking about the snowpocalypse that’s happening later today. I arranged a meetup of his friends at the local pub, and now I’m worried people aren’t going to show. I plan to be a DD at the pub. I just don’t care about booze, because even hard liquors interfere with ketosis. Your body’s like,”Hey, this isn’t carbs but I’ll take it!” and it can bork up your weight loss. I’m tired of going in and out of ketosis, I get a little hangry during the 2-3 days it takes for me to transition. I want to go a long stretch, at least several weeks, without breaking keto.

Once I get to Onederland, I’m going to do something awesome. I don’t know what that is yet.

Keto is Meato, No Dorito, No Burrito

It’s Friday and I’ve been back on the ketogenic diet for three days. I started feeling adapted yesterday, after a poor first day or two adjusting back. I actually really, really like the feeling of being adapted to ketosis. It’s a physical feeling I’ve come to be able to distinguish. Hard to put it in words, but my body feels lighter, my thoughts clearer. I know I can’t mindlessly eat, I can’t use food to escape my boredom or loneliness when I’m on keto, but the feelings of utter exhaustion (once adapted) are much lesser. I imagine my pancreas is glad to be on a break again, not having to release so much insulin to counter whatever carbs I shovel into my maw.

I used to think people who talked about keto as a lifestyle, keto as something you do forever, as unreasonable. I mean.. No carbs, ever again?

But now I think I get it. It’s not about NEVER eating carbs again. It’s understanding you have to live with the mindset that carbs are something you’re not going out of your way for. If you’re in a situation where carbs are presented to you, such as special occasions away from the home, maybe. If special occasions are every night, then no. There is wiggle room but you must convince yourself there is no wiggle room. Slopes are slippery.

Haven’t yet weighed myself since being back in ketosis. I know I’ve got some water weight to clear out, but maybe I will weigh myself tomorrow.

A few of my sweaters I bought this year are looking pretty sail-like on me. My size 18 pants I bought a month ago are now loose enough that I can wear thermals underneath. Necessary in this cold snap. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get the snow off my deck, with the temperatures being so low.

Ungh. I want the weight to come off faster, but I know that’s how I burned out last time. All that hustle made the weight come off so fast my hair thinned out on the top of my head. THAT is too fast. I mean, my hair wasn’t thick and lush to begin with, and that extreme calorie deficit I was running made it worse.

Btw, sometimes you can find mega-packs of frozen cauliflower rice at warehouse stores. I found some at Sam’s Club a few weeks ago. I really, really hate ricing cauliflower, it never comes out right. But cauliflower rice is a saving grace for keto. Looks close enough to the real thing. Tastes delicious when gently pan fried and used as a bed for meat and other veggies. I’ve got a keto fried “rice” recipe I’m itching to make soon.

Mmm. Now I want to get lunch.