Return to Onederland

After a whole lot of pissing and moaning (literally, the first part), my body finally broke the 200lb plateau and eased down to 197 yesterday. It was kind of torturous, seeing the scale at 200lbs every day without change. I’m not sure what happens, but it’s like a limit I have to break through every time, like my body detects I’m at exactly at 200lbs and makes me have to work for it.

My ketostix were dark, dark pink today, meaning I am deep into ketosis. Hooray, running off my fat! My husband has pointed out that I check my water retention/fat loss by feeling my stomach. The looser/floppier (phrasing), the better. Eww. Those two sentences are gross, and I am gross. Meh. Guess I’m just gross. I’ve never been proper and appropriate, unless I get paid.

But back to weight loss.

I’ve been able to curb my night time snacking. Sometimes it takes me some time, to turn off the part of my brain going,”Why not have another snack? Why deny yourself? It it so bad?” Or at least to stop listening to it. The siren call of comfort is hard to ignore, especially when you’re feeling weaker.

I’m pretty impressed in the month of May I managed to take off 75% of the 16lbs I managed to put on in April, a month I spent ill with bronchitis and off keto. Four pounds until I reach the weight I was on March 23rd, 193 lbs. Hindsight is a bitch, you know? I thought I was enjoying that month of binging, in the name of aiming to give myself the calories needed to cure viral bronchitis. Now I look back and went, did you really need to eat a pint of ice cream every other night? Order pizza and Chinese delivery thrice a week?

When I’m not on keto, I lose all control of myself. I’ve said here before on this blog that I now understand what a lifestyle change means. It means forever. It means reigning in that carb-binging side of me for the rest of my life. It means, “No, I can’t go to the grocery store or go through Wendy’s drive-thru because I’m feeling bad and crappy, emotionally or physically.” I just have ZERO self control when it comes to carbs, and managing my emotions with carbs. I have to be on a lower carb diet FOR LIFE.

I simply don’t know how to stop, I don’t know what to do when my emotions take a dump. I was taught to suppress my emotions and not acknowledge them. A line I recall, semi-ironically, from the TV show “Daria”: “But at least a chocolate bar never told me I was an accident.” That line was there for laughs.. But it’s too fucking real for me, man. 😐

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Sick and Fat and Unemployed :D

So, I’m on day five of funemployment. To say it’s been good has been an understatement.

But it hasn’t fixed me as a person. Without the giant target of my job, my anxiety has been slithering around, trying to find new cracks to fill. It’s like an alien symbiote, seeking to bond with anyone, anything.

Yesterday was pretty bad, anxiety wise, but mostly I blame my switch back to the keto diet for it. It’s been rough. That month off from dieting, I went back full force to emotional eating. Mostly to deal with my impending resignation from work and to help myself fight off bronchitis. You don’t have to feel boredom, discomfort, pain if you’re steadily destroying a pint of B&J’s Strawberry Cheesecake. Or B&J’s Late Night Snack, yummo.

So, back to dieting, since I’m off work and done with bronchitis. No more coughing, sneezing, full nose. I first developed a cold and then full-blown bronchitis after returning to keto after a relief weekend of eating carbs. It’s like my immune system took a dump in protest.

Did I say bronchitis was over? Well, as of Sunday it seemed to be. Now I am coughing, sneezing, and having my nose fill with gunk again. I’m waiting for the never ending supply of mucus. It’s super awesome (/s) that my bronchitis symptoms are returning now, on day three of keto. I could really, really stand to NOT BE SICK AGAIN just because I’m slightly restricting my carbs. What the hell. It makes me feel “why bother to try to lose weight if it’s going to cause your immune system to take a shit every time.”

Ugh.

After all that bitching, not sure if complaining about The Couple and any other of my husband’s friends is worthwhile. It’s just on my mind as well, however.

I feel like I’ve come to a place where I’m ready to stop beating myself up over not being whatever it is they wanted me to be. My friendship is close to unconditional- don’t fuck me over or treat me badly, and I will be loyal AF. To me, slight differences don’t matter. I can still relate to you, even if you can’t relate to me. Their friendship is very conditional. And fuck that, you know. These same people act afraid of me, but if I were to call them “my husband’s friends” or “acquaintances” they would be like “oh, so we’re not friends :(” and I’d just be flabbergasted.. Either you’re fucking with me, or your definition of “friend” is so shallow it basically means nothing. You’re the same people that look like you want to run out of the room in terror when I’m present and speaking. How can you say you’re my friend? How do you treat friends that way?

Ugh.

They’re just people. Naive, ignorant people, not in command of anything, not aware of how they treat me. I’m sure it’s some subconscious thing; “WEIRDO ALERT” their minds scream. “SHE IS SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FROM NORMAL, OBVIOUSLY SHE WILL STAB YOU.” Welp, I can’t fight their gut reactions. Like most mentally ill people, I will never hurt anyone. But I will always be treated like I will.

Shake it off. ::TSWIFT:: Maybe one day you will find people who don’t act afraid of you. Maybe you will find people that understand you, or at least make an effort to. Or maybe not. Maybe pulling an Emily Dickens and never going outside is best.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Return to Keto-La (Diet and life update)

So, as of this morning I’m back down to 204. Finally.

That 5 day stretch of non-keto eating back at the end of January really messed me up.

I didn’t help myself much by returning to old habits after going back to keto post-break. You won’t lose weight, even on keto, if you spend three hours snacking continuously on meat and nuts while your ass is on the couch watching Planet Earth II.

I really felt my motivation slacken to the point of considering, what the hell. Just eat carbs again, you’re not losing anything.

In the last couple of days, the wind returned to the weight loss sails. I’ve been making an effort to try to conquer my end-of-the-night binging tendencies. Last night I almost did it again, but managed to overcome it by talking it out with my husband. I settled on a single sugar-free butterscotch candy and water.

Oh man. Last night I also made the discovery that I need to find some sort of weight loss buddy. My husband is a man of appetite, and he likes women with appetite. He let me talk out my desire to binge, but looked noticeably uncomfortable. I pried a bit, and he told me that he likes it when I talk about wanting to eat food. But I was talking about it in a negative way, and that messed with his head.

It’s not really his fault, he’s just wired that way. Something about how his parents tried restricting his food when he was entering puberty, and wires got crossed in his head. Food is very much related to sexuality for him.

Soo… Talking to him to try to get through an urge to binge isn’t going to be a good long-term strategy. I mean, he’ll listen, it just clashes horribly with his hardwired pro-binging attitude. It causes him cognitive dissonance, but overall he’s a self-aware person, not one of those sociopath feeder creeps that don’t care about women.

As for me, it’s so innocent when I complain about wanting to eat. I’m not wired that way at all, and his proclivities are a bit alien. I have a perfectly healthy/unhealthy shame about overeating. Doesn’t mean the urge goes away. Learning how to distract myself during these crave periods is the best way to deal with it.

A boost to my return to weight loss is that I’ve found a better calorie tracker. I’ve become fed-up (lol) with MyPlate and MyFitnessPal. I’m tired of incorrect product listings that I can’t change, and difficulty in seeing net carbs. So I did some research and found a site/app called Carb Manager which is pretty fantastic, does everything I want. I’ll shill for that site for free because I like it. 😀

Otherwise.. It’s starting to warm up where I live. That means endless rain and grey days, where the ground turns to sodden muddy gunk. There’s a flipping flood watch for my county and many others. So, I’ve been doing a lot of housework, working a campaign to de-clutter my office and free up floor space. I was able to place the gigantic cat litter box under my office desk after I moved what was under there to a space I freed up in my cube organizer. I cleaned up and removed some of what was in the office closet as well. The giant stack of crappy old writings has been halved; I still have more to scan but that stack has been sitting on my desk for more than a year, and I’m feeling good about what I’ve got done. Once everything is scanned I’ll burn my childhood/teen/early adulthood scribblings in a glorious cringey bonfire.

So, mental health is more or less better. I think I’m at the halfway point of accepting that I may always be an outsider to people. There are many many people that will never get me, or relate to me, or think of me as a person with feelings, and though it hurts I’m finding my way. I’m getting better at being unapologetically weird, in my own particular way that harms no one.

Onward to Onederland.

Even Closer (The Closening)

Weighed in yesterday at 204. Four pounds away, fam. Four. Pounds. Four.

Tried on the size 16 pants tucked in the back of the closet. Most of them fit almost perfectly.

Friday night, Hubby’s birthday, a big snow storm hit our area roughly three hours before his party at a local pub. So, instead of going out and me DD’ing, we stayed home and had some of his friends over who live roughly <1 mile away.

Since we were home and not driving, my resolve weakened to not have any alcohol. I thought hey, why not have a rum and Coke Zero?

Four rum and coke zero’s later, I remembered why I don’t really drink much.

After worshiping the porcelain throne, chugging water, and attempting to eat something, I again revisited the holy shrine. I couldn’t keep anything down until right before bed, where I was shotgunning water bottles.

Despite the water Saturday was, for the first part of the day, absolutely miserable. Hubby ended up curing me with a stomach acid reducing pill. And just in time, because the in-laws came down for dinner about two hours later. Hubby wanted to cook for his birthday instead of go out.

Hubby has mastered two keto meals, the super rich and indulgent keto ramen soup and tomatillo salsa on chicken breast served on a bed of cauliflower rice. So, we had both, just in smaller quantities. Dessert was keto cheesecake. He knocked all the dishes out of the park and my stomach didn’t give me any problems.

Keto ramen is essentially a bowl jam-packed with the most savory, delicious things you can imagine. It’s like the holy grail of umami. Bok choy, shiitake mushrooms, fatty pork, soft-boiled egg, and low carb shirataki noodles in a turkey-chicken soup base. Chuck in two strips of nori and bam, you got yourself a pseudo-Japanese dish. On a cold day it warms you to the gills. Soooo goood.

Second course was a veggie-heavy dish. Cut-up tomatillos and some rice vinegar, spread across a sliced, pan-seared chicken breast, on a bed of cauliflower rice that has been lightly tossed in a hot pan with butter, salt, and pepper. He has a side of peppers and artichoke hearts that go with it.

Keto cheesecake. Rich. Delicious. Unngh. I wish there was some left.

And today, since I forgot breakfast, I went to the Middle Eastern buffet for lunch. Tender strips of beef and chicken, some spiced chicken chunks, arabic salad (diced tomatoes, cucumbers, cilantro in some kind of oil) and a small, small cup of baba ganoush.

I have a serious love affair with baba ganoush. Before this buffet, I’d never really had eggplant before. Thought it sounded gross. And I didn’t really like the taste of baba ganoush when I first tried it… And then this switch in my head flipped and I could easily binge on a pail full of it.

Well, um. Now I want to eat again? Why do I do this to myself.

Closer (Keto updates)

The holidays, I took off both Xmas and New Years to eat carbs. It was unsatisfactory. I didn’t get much out of eating carby meals as I did before, even my favorites. There’s that whole addiction thing. The actual pleasure from the meal doesn’t match up with how much I had anticipated.

But, I have lost whatever I put on over those carb days and then some. As of today, I’m at 207- seven pounds away from ONEDERLAND. I can’t wait to be back in the hundreds again. I may start needing to look at size 16 pants. My current pants are starting to be alarmingly loose, though not to the point of falling off. They’re now super great for wearing long johns under. Layers, friendos. Layers get you through winter.

The weight loss rate is slow. Maybe a pound every couple of days. You know what? It’s fine. I’m going to have to start moving my a55 if I want to lose more quickly. Given how cold it is, bundling up under a big down comforter sounds the most appealing form of exercise.

Today’s Husband’s birthday. Guy’s at home, not working, living it up. Everyone at my work is talking about the snowpocalypse that’s happening later today. I arranged a meetup of his friends at the local pub, and now I’m worried people aren’t going to show. I plan to be a DD at the pub. I just don’t care about booze, because even hard liquors interfere with ketosis. Your body’s like,”Hey, this isn’t carbs but I’ll take it!” and it can bork up your weight loss. I’m tired of going in and out of ketosis, I get a little hangry during the 2-3 days it takes for me to transition. I want to go a long stretch, at least several weeks, without breaking keto.

Once I get to Onederland, I’m going to do something awesome. I don’t know what that is yet.

Keto is Meato, No Dorito, No Burrito

It’s Friday and I’ve been back on the ketogenic diet for three days. I started feeling adapted yesterday, after a poor first day or two adjusting back. I actually really, really like the feeling of being adapted to ketosis. It’s a physical feeling I’ve come to be able to distinguish. Hard to put it in words, but my body feels lighter, my thoughts clearer. I know I can’t mindlessly eat, I can’t use food to escape my boredom or loneliness when I’m on keto, but the feelings of utter exhaustion (once adapted) are much lesser. I imagine my pancreas is glad to be on a break again, not having to release so much insulin to counter whatever carbs I shovel into my maw.

I used to think people who talked about keto as a lifestyle, keto as something you do forever, as unreasonable. I mean.. No carbs, ever again?

But now I think I get it. It’s not about NEVER eating carbs again. It’s understanding you have to live with the mindset that carbs are something you’re not going out of your way for. If you’re in a situation where carbs are presented to you, such as special occasions away from the home, maybe. If special occasions are every night, then no. There is wiggle room but you must convince yourself there is no wiggle room. Slopes are slippery.

Haven’t yet weighed myself since being back in ketosis. I know I’ve got some water weight to clear out, but maybe I will weigh myself tomorrow.

A few of my sweaters I bought this year are looking pretty sail-like on me. My size 18 pants I bought a month ago are now loose enough that I can wear thermals underneath. Necessary in this cold snap. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get the snow off my deck, with the temperatures being so low.

Ungh. I want the weight to come off faster, but I know that’s how I burned out last time. All that hustle made the weight come off so fast my hair thinned out on the top of my head. THAT is too fast. I mean, my hair wasn’t thick and lush to begin with, and that extreme calorie deficit I was running made it worse.

Btw, sometimes you can find mega-packs of frozen cauliflower rice at warehouse stores. I found some at Sam’s Club a few weeks ago. I really, really hate ricing cauliflower, it never comes out right. But cauliflower rice is a saving grace for keto. Looks close enough to the real thing. Tastes delicious when gently pan fried and used as a bed for meat and other veggies. I’ve got a keto fried “rice” recipe I’m itching to make soon.

Mmm. Now I want to get lunch.