I called off of work yesterday. Until around 6:00PM, I spent my time surfing the internet, obsessing over my husband’s friends, and feeling paralyzed. As usual. My mood got worse and worse, getting to a tipping point where I was walking around the house and talking to myself, savage, mean things. Then I had a breakthrough moment: I decided I was sick of it. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
So I got my ass up and took a two mile walk. The first time in months, maybe a year, that I voluntarily chose to exercise.
I can’t think that just lazing around feeling sorry for myself helps in any way. It doesn’t. Doing something over and over and expecting different results is insanity. Barely feeding myself, and when I do, overdoing it, leads me to feel like shit and increases my weight. Not going to bed at a sane hour and then sleeping in makes me feel like shit. Not showering because I’m just going to be dirty again very soon (from housework) makes me feel like shit.
It’s important for me to realize that I’m not helping myself when I let everything go. The only way to recharge my mental energy is to DO things, not by not doing things. I’m getting better at telling when I’m putting myself into a slump. I need to practice realizing it and getting up and doing something, whether it’s exercise or housework.
The important realization for me is that regaining control over sleeping, eating, and exercising is important for both mental and physical health. After I took my walk, I stretched and took a shower. I went out and got my hair cut, finally. I’ve been more and more afraid of leaving the house. Afraid of other people’s judgemental eyes. But I did it. Then I bought more water and low carbohydrate meal bars. After that I went to Wal-Mart (ugh) and bought some cheap, cheap workout clothes. A side note: If you’re looking to lose weight, don’t be ashamed at shopping somewhere you don’t like to get affordable workout clothes. I bought a couple of men’s 2x and 3x shirts that were baggy and loose. The worse thing about exercising around other people when you’re obese and have a pannus (stomach that hangs down) is that pannus flopping around in tight, fitted clothes. It’s extremely observable and gross. Hence, the baggy shirts.
After clothes shopping, I started to feel ill, and I realized that I had gone on that two mile walk and then didn’t eat anything afterwards. No doubt I am pre-diabetic, because I knew right away from the feeling that it was a blood sugar drop. I felt so bad that I knew if I closed my eyes I might pass out. Stopped at a gas station and bought some beef jerky, and after about 10-15 minutes felt well enough to drive home.
I have to take control. I have to take control of what goes into my mouth. I can’t eat to make the feelings go away any longer. I feel exhausted at all times. I feel ill. The only way to make that go away is to feed myself right and to exercise. Yesterday, up until 6PM, I felt wretched. Absolutely wretched. Hating myself, hating my body, hating everything and everyone.
I don’t deserve to feel this way. Time to do something different.
I’m not sure if anyone really reads this blog, if they do, it is almost a martyrdom. I don’t have much to say, besides endless self-analysis and mentally-ill rants. But if I gear this blog towards actually helping myself over venting, I’m sure no one would mind.
Yesterday’s two mile walk took about 36 minutes, 46 seconds. Let’s get that time down.