A Believing Heart is Your Magic

Day 5 of Wellbutrin. I’ve become an extroverted magical Japanese girl.

Sorry. I’ve just been watching too much Little Witch Academia.

The appointment last week went very well. The nurse practitioner suggested WB without my even having to ask.

So I’ve been taking it for five days. The NP said it would take up to 4-6 weeks to really hit a stride. I’m noticing a difference already. Before I started taking it, I feel like I gave preferential treatment to my depressive thoughts. On WB, I feel like I am standing at a distance to both my depressive thoughts (overeat, smoke, ignore Husband) and my functional thoughts (brush teeth, shower, clean, draw, write). Each group of thoughts has equal weight now, and if I turn towards the depressive thoughts it’s out of habit. Maybe as time goes by, I can train myself to turn more and more towards the functional thoughts. Break the habit.

One other thing I’ve noticed is that my constant irritation at being interrupted is nearly gone. When I came home on Friday, I was bombarded with the needs of others the second I stepped in the door. But the irritation wasn’t there. And it wasn’t there over the weekend too. I still overate and self-isolate, but that feels more like a choice than before. The desire to destroy the cuticles of my nails and leave them bloodied hasn’t gone, and in fact they are in an extremely poor state right now. But as the meds build up in my system, maybe I won’t give in to that compulsion as easily.

The punches are becoming easier to take. Just now, I went outside to have a smoke. Almost immediately, my smoker “buddies” gave each other looks, stubbed out their smokes and just went inside. At first I was like.. Well. What did I say? What did I do? Maybe they saw the state of my fingers. Maybe they just didn’t want to deal with my weird ass at that time. But it wasn’t a big deal. It didn’t send me spiraling into a self-loathing malaise like it might have. I just let it go.

I am waiting on a referral for therapy. I still need it. I find myself dealing with these realizations that sit heavy inside me, that ring true. I need help dealing with the physical and emotional neglect and abuse I suffered throughout childhood. I need help with the overwhelming need for approval that resulted from it. I need help working through the bitterness and unhealthy self-loathing that results from knowing I will never gain that approval. That being who I am, as a person, means the likelihood of approval is slim to none. I need help to stop perceiving other people as the enemy. To stop pushing others away when I think I won’t meet their expectations or if I perceive I’ve facked up socially.

I’ve been coming closer to a state of peace, over the last few months, but I have a ways to go still, and that will be hopefully sped up by a good therapist.

One day, maybe I’ll be someone who is naturally cheerful and lighthearted despite their shortcomings. That’s what I want to believe.

ADD leads to caffeine. Caffeine leads to poor sleep. Poor sleep leads to legbeard status.

Well, I’m pretty sure yesterday’s post was just a straight out PMS post. Nothing like vomiting angry thoughts all over the screen, though I suppose that is a reasonably healthy way to deal with it.

I’ve been doing some writing. Mainly just fleshing out concepts and scenes in my head from the long-time story I’ve been working on since I was a wee girl-boy. Now, since this story is optimally a graphic novel, I also need to be doing some drawing too. I really need to find a way to minimize the time wasted at home, either goofing off on the internet, watching the vidyas, or not doing housework.

Given that I’m on first shift again, I should start thinking about how to regulate myself a little more. I think that at least part of my depression comes from the complete lack of routine and structure in my life. I go to bed when I feel like it, early or late, and I get up whenever I feel like it, mostly late. And when I go to bed, it can sometimes be a half hour to an hour before I fall asleep. A big factor there is my uncontrolled caffeine consumption. I drink maybe 10 cans of diet soda a day, regardless of the hour. ::points at blog title:: I *am* a legbeard, you know. Excessive soda intake is how I roll.

And, I know why I drink so much caffeine. It’s because I self-medicate for ADD, something I was correctly diagnosed with as a child, and still suffer from today. I also have a fixation on fizzy drinks. If it doesn’t fizz, I’m not into it.
An easy solution to this would be to actually medicate myself for ADD. Find a doctor, get my brain something to perk it up. My thoughts have always come a mile a minute, with three or four things going on at once. My focus is shiz unless I’m doing something I’m interested in. I find my line of work, programming, actually works for it, as when I program I go into periods of hyper-focus.

So, the order of operations is thus:
1. Find doctor, get ADD medicated.
2. Quit drinking so much soda, start drinking coffee or tea. I am internally cringing at that, the diet Dew monkey is shrieking from its perch on my back.
2.5. Start meditating.
3. Start going to bed and waking up consistently.
4. Quit wasting my free time. Start scheduling myself for writing, drawing, exercising, and learning the piano. Also plan for outings, such as to the indoor market or farmer’s market.
5. Improve dat hygiene.
6. Perform house de-cluttering, so I don’t have to think about how much excess stuff I own. It’s distracting.
7. Start setting my sights on quitting smoking for reals this time.

Ooh noo, I’ve started making plans I can’t follow through on! Meh. One thing at a time.

I need someone to come in and manage my life for me. Like a drill instructor who just busts into my office bellowing,”PRIVATE ARE YOU ON REDDIT?? DROP AND GIVE ME THREE SKETCHES OF NAKED PEOPLE!”

Now accepting applications. I think my husband needs one too.