More and more I feel.. a sense of zen. I understand that to others, everything I do and say is weird. That I am fundamentally bizarre, and it doesn’t matter how much I reach out. No one wants to reach back out to someone like me. It doesn’t matter that I have zero desire or capacity to harm others. Being different makes you immediately suspect.
The years I have blogged here, I have gone through the stages of grief.
Denial: I’m not weird, I’m not different, I’m just misunderstood. I can be understood if I just try!
Anger: Railing at a world that does not accept me. A lot of anger and rants in my previous posts, mostly made private by this point.
Bargaining: If I just wear makeup and have perfect hair, maybe I will be forgiven. Spoiler alert: that doesn’t work.
Depression: Many days, weeks, months, years lost to this. Sitting inert, trying to distract myself. Feeling no motivation or spark of happiness. Sleeping just to get away from existence.
And finally, acceptance.
I have failed at being normal. I am a failure at gaining acceptance, connection, friendship, you name it. I have failed at my job. I have failed at being likeable, feminine, socially savvy, everything that I am supposed to be as a female.
So now, without a 9-5, I will just fail quietly and privately in the comfort of my home. I can quit performing emotional labor that isn’t ever returned. I do not have to be a target for mockery and gossip if there isn’t an audience. The great thing about becoming a shut-in is that no one can see you fail. No one can judge or laugh at you. If you’re simply not around other people, your past failures will be gradually forgotten.
My last day of work is very soon. At this moment, I feel peaceful. This try-hard stage is over, and I’m ready to work within my limitations. Or to at least learn how to manage them. I can now expend my energy on things that matter in the long run; personal satisfaction (writing and drawing) and my physical health (lifting, running, eating well). I do intend to return to working, but on my terms: something remote or at the least part time, in an environment more forgiving. Full time, at the right place, is still possible.
Here I am. Finally accepting that there is a rift between myself and others, likely forever.